Converting a Husband/ Boyfriend/ Girlfriend/ Lover to Veganism

Question: What is the fastest way to ruin a night of romance?

Answer: Eat a heavy meat and dairy laden meal that clogs arteries, makes you feel fat and lethargic and even causes impotence.

While there are many reasons to convert a loved one to veganism, the above-mentioned one always gets the guys’ attention. I mean, who doesn’t want a thriving love life? However, as you already know, the reasons to become vegan are endless- including, better health, avoiding disease, living a lifestyle in accordance with your belief system, easier weight loss and many more. There are many articles on the numerous reasons to go vegan, along with wonderful and scientific answers to all the questions that you likely have, like the million dollar question, “where do you get your protein??” That being said, my goal is not to provide those in depth scientific answers, but rather practical strategies for helping a loved one move forward on the vegan path with you.

For some couples or families it may be easier, like a family decision to get healthier together after attending a plant-based immersion or watching a movie like Forks Over Knives. For others, (and this tends to be most common), one person in the family decides that this lifestyle is for them, and then struggles to maintain it as well as garner support from those around them. While it may seem that there is no hope in “getting your boyfriend/husband/ loved one on board,” I really believe there is. As a psychotherapist and vegan husband converter, I can tell you that there are some key strategies I used, along with careful timing, and leading by example, all the while making sure not to overwhelm your loved one.

The most important part of helping them along this path is what they call in psychotherapy: “meeting the person where they are now.” Essentially that means, start where they are, and be sensitive to how they feel now. Baby steps, my dear.

Stage 1: Avoidance

If your loved one has zero interest in this way of life, no need to start with trying to convert them. In fact, this will most likely turn them way off. In these cases, start with just leading by example. Show them how easy it really can be, how you manage yourself in social situations, and let them see your improving health. If you are always complaining about how difficult it is to be vegan, they will believe you. If you make it seem like a normal everyday part of your life that you enjoy and makes you feel good, this too will be noticed.

When you are the one cooking (and I assume you probably are if you are vegan living with an omnivore), then start ADDING food. Forget about subtracting the dairy, meat and other stuff just yet. Focus on adding in cruciferous vegetables and add in more whole grains and legumes, nuts and seeds. Subtracting someone’s “favorite” foods can be a scary change, so our first goal is to “crowd out” those foods with healthier ones. The goal being that your loved ones food ratios of vegan to non-vegan meals begin to shift in the right direction. Start making hearty vegan recipes like those from Rip Esselstyn’s Engine 2 Diet, or Lindsey Nixon’s Happy Herbivore cookbooks. While my husband now LOVES kale, this was not the case at first, so I recommend baby steps, starting with baby spinach. Whatever you do, don’t call these recipes “vegan” just yet. Allow your loved one to enjoy each meal that you have peppered into your routine. When they comment on how delicious they are, just smile and say something like, “I love cooking for you”.

Stage 2: Ok, so they are starting to ask you about “this vegan stuff”

At some point they will usually ask you about their own diet. Timing is everything, so I implore you to wait until they ask you. This could take weeks, months, or even years. (In my case it took about a year, but my husband was a devout pizza, beer, nachos and hamburger kind of guy). While it is so tempting to share the everyday details of your important lifestyle choices, usually this will just create a divide in the relationship if your partner isn’t ready for it. When they finally begin to question you about it with more open ended questions like, “do you think it would help me lose weight?” or “I know I need to lower my cholesterol, are you sure this would help?” Or even, “I wouldn’t mind trying a vegan meal once in awhile, but I could never give up cheese.” Rather than roll your eyes, remember that this is the big money question and this is your opportunity!! This means they are in the stage of pre-contemplation where they are literally contemplating making this change.

Whatever you do, avoid discouraging their reasons no matter how frivolous they may seem to you. Empathically remember that you probably did not start out life as vegan and we all come to this lifestyle from different angles and life experiences. You want to be as supportive as possible during this fragile step. Rather than lecture them at this point on every single benefit you can name, say, “Yes! And it’s much easier than one would think!” Colleen Patrick- Goudreau, one of my personal vegan heroes, is always saying that if you exude joy and ease while living in accordance with your belief system, others will eventually catch on and want to join in. Part of the key here will be highlighting the fun, easy, healthy aspects without going on and on about it. You don’t want it to feel like a huge lifestyle change to them unless they want it to be (most do not at the beginning).

Stage 3: Day-to-Day life

Start cooking! Start to double up on everything you make for yourself. I find myself making a general meal plan for the week along with which recipes I will be making on which days and a grocery list. Start making triple the portions you are currently making, as you don’t want your loved one to go hungry. Quite the opposite- you want them impressed at the abundance of delicious food in the house. If health and/or weight aren’t huge issues for them, it can also be helpful to include a few “transition foods”. These are foods that while vegan aren’t necessarily plant-based, but can make each meal seem more familiar at least at the beginning. Some of my husband’s favorites include Food for Lovers Queso, anything Gardein, soy cheeses, Field Roast sausages, Whole Foods vegan chocolate chip cookies, Kind Bars and others. Having some of these foods in the house can make the transition to veganism a whole lot easier and more appetizing without any sense of deprivation.

Stage 4: Totally on the bandwagon

This stage may or may not ever come completely. Obviously it would be ideal, but veganism is a journey for most of us not just a destination. Remember that each of these stages can go quickly or take time; so allow them to take their time with it. Sometimes they will also regress to an earlier stage before advancing to the next one (i.e., Superbowl Sunday or a vacation). Like all things in life, this is not a straight line from A (eating meat, dairy and animal products) to B (totally vegan). There will likely be lots of twists and turns, so try to just enjoy this journey together and be thankful that your partner is open minded and willing to experiment with you.