A while back, I had my fall from veganism. It lasted a few days, but, man, was it brutal. It started with a dream. I was dreaming of cheese. It scared me, after eight years of veganism, I was starting slip back to non-veganism. I had my terrifying dreams where I eat meat accidentally, but this was different.
There are no vegan stores here; so, I don’t have access to vegan cheese. The breaking point was when a relative asked, “Why are you this way?” It felt like something was wrong with me. “This way” was the only way I have been healthy and with a good relationship to food. But, it felt like a ton of bricks just hit me. I had no clue what to say. After eight years, I did not know why I lived this way.
I noticed myself apologizing to waitresses when I asked them if things contained dairy, embarrassed when I was eating salads while my family ate meat in restaurants, craving normalcy and easiness in public. I wanted a frigging donut. I wanted to eat my own birthday cake. I was getting frustrated.
What does a girl with a history of eating disorders do? Binge eat. I two ate cheese sandwiches and cried in guilt. It suddenly dawned on me: one of my cats was sitting next to me, paw on my hip, meowing with concern. This is why I’m vegan, I realized. I’m not thinner, or fitter, or anything like that. Instead, it gives me a peace of mind, knowing that I was not harming any animals in my life, as much as I could.
The question is, what are we to do to stay vegan in times of distress and pressure?
First, remember why you are doing this. I started rereading my old vegan books. Alicia Silverstone’s books are good, Skinny Bitch and Kris Carr’s Crazy, Sexy Diet are my go to books. I started watching videos about the farming industry and animal treatment. Visit PETA’s website. Look at your pets. Hug them, remember that you are doing this for them.
Second, try to gain confidence in your decision. You made a choice to live this way. Be firm. “No, thank you, I don’t eat meat/cheese/eggs.” That should be your response. Do not be ashamed. Do it out of love for animals, or the environment, or out of love for yourself. You can be selfish here and just know, through research, why veganism is better for you.
Third, forgive yourself if you find yourself craving something. I acted like cheese disgusted me. In truth, it smelled good. So, now, I say something like, “Wow, that smells nice. It’s too bad I won’t eat it.” The food is not disgusting. The industry that is behind it is gross and manipulative. I don’t know if I would do what Alicia Silverstone advises, “cheating” and eating the cheese. But, that is my personal take on it. You can admire something without eating it.
Oh, this reminds me of my fourth point: recognize the difference between can’t and won’t. No, it is not that you can’t eat that donut because it has dairy. Instead, you won’t eat the donut because the dairy industry is a cruel form of torture that is unfair and unnecessary. It is a choice, not torture. Trust me, it is a good choice. Plus, I hear the vegan community is all kinds of awesome.
Hello Dina,
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I related to much of what you said, including the dreams! In one dream however, I indulged on a hamburger with bacon!! What? I have felt guilty and embarrassed. I do not look like the healthy, glowing poster child of veganism. It’s funny how the caricature of a vegan is often the angry in your face person. I was never that, but instead felt attacked by “friends”. Every lunch outing was at a restaurant with few to no options for me. I called ahead so that I didn’t seem to be “making a scene” inquiring about the menu. On top of that, having a disability means I always have to plan ahead regarding accessibility, restrooms, etc. I brought my own dishes when invited for holidays- enough to share-but often looked upon as if they were strange.
Recently I have felt that I am not a “good” vegan, because I don’t tell people and I do t explain why. So, I gave decided to do exactly what you are saying: watch the films; read the books/blogs/websites. Feel at peace. I am going to start my journey today. Thank you!
Excellent article!! Very relatable..Thank you!!
try miyoko’s aged sharp farmhouse. that will fulfill any cheese craving 🙂 it’s got a tang that I’ve never had with any other non-dairy cheeses.