Should vegans only date other vegans?
I honestly get asked this question a lot. “Would you ever date someone who ate meat??”
I obviously won’t speak for every vegan out there, but for me personally – will I only date vegans?
No.
Absolutely not.
How hypocritical would that be? If a meat-eater said to me: “I wouldn’t ever date a vegetarian”, they would be horribly small-minded, surely?
It’s fair to want your partner to share your beliefs, but veganism is a bit more extreme than your average “I think all humans should be equal” or “I am pro-choice” and I accept that.
Deciding to live without animal exploitation takes actual actions and commitment. To me, it’s a very important issue to tackle, but I understand most people don’t see that (yet!)
Most people think “vegan” and still think “raging hippie”. Our image needs a lot of work. The celebrity-vegan-trend is kind of helping, but not when they’re eating meat one week later or walking into vegan restaurants wearing fur. The positive, attractive vegan image needs to come from every-day vegans out there, living our day-to-day lives, showing a lifestyle that is appealing to others (including future partners!). We should be walking, talking examples that vegans are just (oh my god, shock) NORMAL people who choose to eat a different diet. I feel that if I walked around saying “I would NEVER date a meat eater!” that would turn people off and re-enforce a negative stereotype that vegans are extreme and extend more compassion to animals than fellow human beings. I have vegan friends who will not date meat-eaters and I admire them. There is no “right” or “wrong” answer to this question; it’s completely personal.
It’s not because I desperately want a boyfriend that I WOULD date a meat-eater, it’s because I genuinely cannot, in my heart of hearts, discriminate against anyone, especially for something I once did myself.
I used to eat meat. Shock. I did.
I ate sausages, bacon, scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, rare steak, bolognaise…. all of it. I never ate lamb or veal (so compassionate) but I ate pretty much everything else. A chicken, mayo and cucumber sandwich was my idea of heaven.
But then . . . I changed. I learned things, my perspective widened, and I found out lots of stuff that I couldn’t ignore. Those foods stopped being appealing and started making me sad and angry.
I became a vegan.
Going vegan usually means having to deal with a lot negativity, sometimes from loved ones and definitely from strangers (hospitality staff, co-workers, trolls on the internet . . . you name it.) It’s a lot to take on for anyone and should be a personal, logical and positive step. You can’t go vegan to please someone else, you can’t go vegan because Beyonce did, you can’t go vegan to date someone you like. It has to be well thought out, compassionate, healthy and logical.
So, I guess all I would ask of my future loved one, is that they don’t contribute any judgement or negativity that I already get in spades. Don’t give me shit for being a vegan.
We can talk about it . . . I would love that! Talk about it, discuss it, understand it, but don’t give me shit or make me feel stupid. I will not be made to feel small or inferior because I’m doing something that makes sense.
I want to feel my loved one respects me. Even if he doesn’t want to be a vegan, he should at least respect that about me.
If I was with someone who ate meat and he gradually learned and became inspired to stop contributing to animal cruelty? Hells yeah! That would be the ultimate turn-on, let’s not lie. But I wouldn’t ever ask or expect that of him.
There are a few interesting sub-issues here that could make this post go on forever; like cooking meat. Would I ever cook meat for my loved one? Sorry – but no.
I can’t actively CONTRIBUTE to animal suffering . . . and don’t think anyone would ask that of me. If you want to eat animals, that is your choice and you may do so, but I will not cook them for you. If I am cooking dinner, it will be a dead-animal-free zone. You are welcome to cook yourself meat and put it on top of the delicious vegan lasagne if you wish. (But it’ll be so tasty you wouldn’t want to, promise!)
I wonder if this is difficult for couples? Being vegan and smelling meat in your kitchen? That wouldn’t be easy . . . but sharing your life is about compromise and if you love someone, I suppose you will do what makes them happy? Thankfully I haven’t reached this point in my life yet and it will be interesting to see what happens.
It would be ideal if I could meet someone who was vegan, but also someone I was genuinely attracted to, had things in common with and wanted to date. It could happen . . . Jared Leto is out there.
Otherwise, if I converted a partner to veganism – wow. That would be incredible . . . but it would have to be a PERSONAL move for them and not about me in the slightest. I’m happy to open someones eyes and raise awareness, but they would have to go vegan for their own reasons.
And the final option? I end up marrying a guy that eats meat till the day he dies? Well, it wouldn’t be easy I suppose, but I will still love him, because I married him! And you shouldn’t commit to someone you’re ultimately hoping will change, surely? I don’t know a lot about relationships, but that seems right. If I fall in love with a life-long meat eater, I will love him, but I will totally put him in the hot-seat now and then . . . and he will love that about me . . . .
Right?
Until then – I will just continue to cook vegan meals to wow future partners with! The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach right? Let’s eat yummy vegan desserts together, then . . . . 😉
I dare you to wish there was dairy involved . . . .
The amazing shots in this post are courtesy of Lucas Smith Photography and our food photo shoots, of which there will be plenty more.
I’ve been vegetarian for 24 years (vegan for one), since before I met my husband. He has never known me to eat meat, and certainly not to cook it. He would never cook meat at home, either (not that he cooks much of anything), out of respect for me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, and neither does he (apparently).
Having said that, he will never, ever be vegetarian. He just doesn’t believe it’s wrong to kill animals to eat them, but he is absolutely supportive of my belief that it is. I would have thought that was contradictory if I wasn’t living it, but he has never complained for a moment about the increasingly animal-free meals we eat at home. He rarely misses a chance to eat meat when we’re out, but when I waxed regretful once that he doesn’t share my belief, he pointed out that he has eaten at least 50% fewer animals since marrying me than he would have in my absence. It’s probably closer to 70%, when you think about it, and I feel pretty good about that.
The same goes for my children. The oldest chose to be vegetarian at age 4 when she asked why I wasn’t eating the bacon everyone else was sharing at a restaurant, and I told her I didn’t want to kill animals for my meals. “Well I don’t want to kill animals, either!” she said, and that was that. She’s 14 now and a staunch vegetarian. She made the switch to vegan with me but found it too challenging and didn’t really “feel it.” I get that– I didn’t feel it, either, for my first 47 years of life!
My other two kids are omnivores, but eating vegan at home means they’ve eaten far fewer animals than most meat-eating kids. (It also means they’re much more adventurous eaters than most kids, because they’ve been exposed to pretty much every vegetable, grain and legume out there, plus tofu & tempeh & seitan.) I let them all choose, because like you said– it’s a commitment! (I do recommend talking to your partner long before having kids, though, about whether you will raise them vegan and how you’d handle it.)
Loved this post 🙂 I completely agree with you, at the end of the day if you like somebody then you like them, and you accept their views just as you want them to respect yours. I’m vegan, and my ex became vegetarian when we began living together and I always said that if we ever broke up I wouldn’t be able to date somebody who ate meat. I felt so sure that the whole meat-eating thing would be so repulsive that I wouldn’t wana get anywhere near a guy who wasn’t a vegan. But when the relationship did end and sometime later I found my current boy, I fell for him before I even knew about his eating habits! I got lucky though, he’s so sweet he doesn’t eat meat in front of me and we don’t ever have meat in the house. I cook vegan meals every day and he says he loves them 🙂 x http://www.thelittlecountrygirl.blogspot.co.uk
Love this article, and especially the first comment. I have been vegetarian 19 years and vegan one, but with my husband 13 years. I never had a problem with him eating meat, but since we had our first child almost four years ago I have and for two reasons. I want my husband to be healthier and wanted our son to go my route. My son was vegetarian for his first 3.5 years but in recent months adamantly wanted to eat meat and so I gave in. I have never prepared it for even my husband and so I obviously won’t and like that when my husband is gone to his firefighting job that at least my son will be veg. I have found this so hard though because I wanted for him salvation I wanted for me – to be veg from birth. And he he even says “I want to eat a chicken/cow/pig”! 🙁 I just have to tell myself to respect what he wants – and hope he truly my understands it.
I am grateful for vegans who are willing to date/marry non vegans. I know that some of them will have an impact on their non vegan partners, and we are hoping to change the world, right? So I’m definitely NOT judging vegans who date non vegans. Thank you for having the kind of patience and strength that I lack.
This brings me to my confession: I’d never consider having a serious romantic relationship with a non vegan. My reasons are somewhat selfish. I have lived on my own as a vegan long enough to learn the joys of having an all vegan household. Since I make all the rules, there is no non vegan food, furniture, clothes or anything else non vegan in my flat. I created this little vegan oasis that helpes me deal with the outside world and keeps me sane. I “tolarate” animal cruelty and exploitation in public places and at my family’s and friends’ homes because I have no choice, it’s their choice.
But then I go back to my own little vegan place to recharge my batteries, and keep my sanity. I go to the only place where there are no corpses or dairy in the fridge, no gelatine candy around, no products tested on animals in the bathroom or the kitchen, no wool, leather etc in the closet…If I didn’t have this place, I imagine I’d feel trapped, bitter and depressed. I wouldn’t be a happy vegan that I am today (for the most part!).
My vegan place helps me focus on the goal with my advocacy; it shows me that a life without animal exploitation is possible and practical.
My partner has to be someone who shares my basic moral values, and not yet another person who thinks “she means well, but she’s too extreme/too sensitive/”. And honestly I can’t imagine falling in love with someone who is speciesist just like I can’t see myself being attracted to a racist or a sexist. Nor can I imagine raising non vegan children, as if animal cruelty is some neutral default.
Does this make me closeminded? Well from my point of view, I’m doing what I have to, to remain a happy vegan. I don’t think I’d be doing any favours to our movement if I was constantly grumpy, unhappy and judgmental. (and yes I would be all those things, if I had no where escape when daily animal exploitation becomes too much to bear.) We should all do what we can as vegans to spread our message, but not more than that. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice our sanity or happiness. Being happy should be part of our advocacy, whatever that means to each one of us.
agree, love this post
Hannah – when I first went vegan (thank you Earthlings) I was hell bent on not dating an omni, but only because I was exposed to horrific and graphic images of the meat industry. But further into my vegan journey I realized that I couldn’t (or shouldn’t) be so ready to dismiss dating an omnivore, because I once ate that way (*cough* just six months ago in fact). I’d rather date someone with great morals and a handsome face (and a good cook) than have to drastically limit my dating pool to just vegans. If he can accept my eating preferences and doesn’t expect me to cook for his, then all will be good.
Making dietary, behavioral changes that are dissonant from the society one lives in from an ethical belief in the sanctity of life of all creatures, the environment, and one’s own health is a fundamental part of my self identity. If a vegan shows a preference for a pretty face and/or a nice body, a good looking omni, over that of a principled body/mind, that is a vegan, I don’t dislike them, we are human and imperfect, however their values don’t match their choices. There is still a profound internal conflict in this area for someone like this. We have a right to judge what is best for us, not for others but for us, and not being honest that is consistent with one’s self creates profound unhappiness.
It is easier to build lasting relationship when you share the same values. Dating? Maybe. But wouldn’t pick one for a long-term partner/marriage.
I could never love someone that thought it was okay to support animal suffering, I don’t understand how vegans do it.
I used to eat animals before but that was because I was completely ignorant to what they went through, as soon as I realised, I stopped eating them. These people that you date and love, are people that are fully aware of what happens because you have told them – furthermore, you cook for them and you stock the kitchen full of vegan food, so they’re actually going out of their way to support animal cruelty.